Tuesday, 26 May 2015

A lioness protecting her cub.

Thats exactly how I feel I am recently. Theres no other way to describe this intense, overwhelming urge in me. Of course I have always adored Jacob, and would do anything for him. But these past few months, it is on a whole other level. 

Jacob is my first child. My number one. It was always planned that he would one day have siblings, but it appears a little egg inside my tummy decided that would be much sooner than I had thought! It's not that I am not happy about this pregnancy; quite the opposite in fact. But it appears that subconsciously, I am worried. 

For almost two years, it was just me and Jacob in our little 2 bed semi (plus our four legged furries of course), and all of a sudden in these past few months our world that we know, our safety blanket, has completely changed. There is another little boy he has to share his toys with. Another little boy sleeping in his bedroom occasionally. A man around his mother. Her kisses are shared out now. Her time is shared out. And thats before a newborn comes along.

Before, quite honestly, as a full time single mother, I would be happy about the 2 nursery days a week, and the occasional sleepovers at Gangans (my dad! Jacobs favourite person EVER). I'd be glad of the peace, a chance to catch up on the housework, and maybe a lie in if I had the time! But now I just feel sad. I feel empty. I don't want to walk away from him at those nursery gates. I almost feel envious when he cuddles anyone else. I just want to cuddle him and never let go. I want to squeeze him and tell him he's my number one man and keep him all to myself. I know its good for both of us to have the space, and for his socialisation skills but my god. I do have to hold myself back recently.

I'm quite sure that this is a normal feeling. I hear lots of other pregnant-the-second-time-around mums talk about how they worry how on earth they could possibly love another child as they do the first one. How on earth they will divide their time and attention that once was all dedicated to their precious first born. And I guess it is really all that for me too.

But I just can't help but be a little sad that this is the end of just me and Jacob time. No more sleepovers in Mummys bed (there isn't the room!). No more naps on the sofa with him curled up on me. Yes he still does that! No more of the 'two for Jacob, one for mummy' rule when sharing a packet of rainbow drops. No more spur of the moment escapes to Nana's caravan in the country trips, just us. 

Its hit me. Hard. I know we will have amazing times to come as a family of five. Of course we will. I've always dreamed of a big family, and Jacob having siblings. I think its just a shock that everything is happening together and very quickly. Mummy has a new partner. New partner has a little boy. Mummy is having a baby. And he's starting nursery 5 afternoons a week in September! But I guess this is what its like having your first baby growing up. And wow, it really is as hard as they say. And you really do miss the younger baby days where they needed you twenty four seven. But he's growing up, and he is going to make the best big brother ever. And our future as a family is bright and exciting. I just know it. 

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